happyme16

Just another WordPress.com site

Join Me On My New Blog

In light of my recent revalation that I am in fact content with life, I’ve started a new blog.  I thought my subscribers would carry over, but I was mistaken.  So… I will now be posting to http://romanticruminationsofani.wordpress.com/ , and I would love it if everyone who follows my blog would subscribe to my new page!!  I just needed a change, and my first post to the new blog explains it all.  Please join me!

❤ Ani

Advertisements

September 11, 2011 Posted by | self help | Leave a comment

Unfolding Life

What if there were a bunch of flowers growing in a plot of land, and they all sat there growing for a few weeks, and the heads of the flowers all stayed closed, but opened all at once?  That would be a really big, beautiful moment.  It might be a moment that lasts several days, but it would be fleeting..  All the flowers would have opened at once, and then they would all go away at once too.  Then what?  Dead flowers.  The beauty would be gone.  Thank goodness flowers generally don’t work that way!  There could be a bunch of the same type of flower in one plot of land, but they each grow at their own pace.  A few might open one day, then the next day a few more, and then a few more the next day ~ but by now the first flowers are wilting.  The onlooker doesn’t really notice the wilting flowers so much because the new ones are so pretty.  These time spaces between the unfolding of the blooms make the beauty last all summer long in most cases.

I am the type of person that wants everything good to happen right now.  It is very hard for me to relax and just let life unfold.  I know I would be happier to just enjoy each bloom for what it is, and I should just trust that the next bloom will be amazing too.  How does one develop the patience to trust that everything will happen in its own time?  How did I become this impatient?

New Guy finally called me.  He is genuinely a busy guy, and has been really sick.  We had a pretty in-depth conversation that went into details about feelings and such.  I will say that all is well, and we have agreed that there is definitely something there between us worth exploring.  Somehow just hearing that helped immensely.   I definitely can see that he is worth developing my patience skill for.  I don’t know what will come of this, but I know that I would like to see how it unfolds.  I know deep down that I am strong enough to live my own life, and patiently wait for the blooms to appear.  I know that if I let it happen, each bloom will be prettier than the last.  I am very aware that if I try to force all the blooms, the moment may be nice, but it will be fleeting.

I have been pondering why I seem to be slipping back into my need to control the outcome of life.  I did this with Babe…  I couldn’t just trust that things would work out.  If I had been patient, I think it would have worked between us.  In hindsight I see all sorts of ways I went wrong, and I know it’s because I didn’t take the proper amount of time to be comfortable with myself first.  I don’t want to repeat old mistakes.  The time to change is now.  I have several questions running through my head such as:  Why do I have such an innate need to know “right now” where things are going?  Why can’t I just let things be, and give them time to naturally develop?  I may never have the answers.  I may never know why I am the way that I am, but I do know that this is one of my flaws about myself that I’d like to work on changing.  Nobody has complained about this flaw but me…  I recognize it’s a problem, and I want to work on fixing it.

I feel that I have come a long way in realizing who I am and what I want out of life in the past few years.  It’s taken a great deal of courage and a great deal of introspective growth to get to where I am.  A few years back I would have completely chastised this poor man for not calling me every single day.  I would have moved on, looking for someone else who wants to jump into a full-blown relationship by now.  However, now, I am secure enough in myself to have plenty of things to occupy my time and my mind while I let him live his life.  I know deep down that if things are meant to work out, life will make it happen.  The key to all of it is just relaxing and letting go of the outcome.  Knowing that, and following through are sometimes two very different things though!  I know I need to work on letting the blooms of life unfold in their own time.  I need to enjoy the blooms I have right now ~ I have a great guy that I had a great evening with, and though he is busy, I need to trust that I am probably on his mind just like he is on mine.  I have lots of things to do, but no matter what I am doing, there are moments that I just sit back and let a thought of him slip in…  If he feels like I do, the same thing probably happens for him too.  That’s a beautiful thing!  When I really think about each individual moment, I can see that I really don’t want to rush things.  There are still so many things to look forward to!!  If we rush them all, and make it all happen right now, then what?  Then the season might end because there’s nothing left to unfold.  “Patience is a virtue.”  Yes it is…

I’ve decided that whenever I recognize that I am trying to control the outcome of anything, I will force myself to close my eyes and take at least ten deep breaths.  Then if there’s time, I’ll make a list of pros and cons of the situation.  This is really going to be important for me to do, as New Guy has a lot on his plate at the moment.  The thing is, I am about to have a lot on my plate as well.  Yoga school starts in two weeks!!  There’s going to be lots of homework involved, in addition to attending other yoga classes and creating a variety of home practices that I do on my own.  I’ve got my health to worry about also.  Like I mentioned in prior posts, juicing takes a considerable amount of time, but it’s well worth the effort.  I’m in a spiritual study group as well!  We meet at least once a week, if not more, for several hours at a time.   I am at a point in my life where I finally feel that I have a firm grasp on who I am and what I want out of life.  I can only control my own actions and reactions though.  I can’t control what someone else does, or if they’ll call.  I can only trust that things will work out, and they’ll call when they can.  I need to realize that there is nothing wrong with letting life just unfold.

September 9, 2011 Posted by | alone, happiness, healing, love, metaphor, relationships, self help | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Mind Changes are a Woman’s Perogative

LOL!  So, I’ve changed my mind about letting it go.  I’ve let things go in life way too long ~ held them in, not spoke my mind, and I can’t do that anymore.  I sent an e-mail to “new guy.”  Perhaps this makes me overly vulnerable, perhaps it will chase him away.  Life is nothing if we don’t take risks though.  I may be risking losing the chance to pursue something potentially good.  However, if a message stating how I feel scares him off, it really is better to know now before I get too into it, eh?  Yep, I think so!

September 7, 2011 Posted by | self help | Leave a comment

Moving on then…

After worrying about why “new guy” hasn’t called for an entire day, I’ve decided to just let it go.  It was a great second date full of beautiful moments and butterflies…  I almost lost myself in his kiss.  I vowed a while back to never let that happen again though, and I almost broke that promise to myself.  I’m still on a road to learning that staying true to myself is the most important thing I could ever do.  So rather than spending another second of thought on ultimately, why I’m not good enough to call, I’m spending time instead focusing on why I’m too good to be waiting!

The truth is that I want someone who can’t wait to hear my voice.  I need to know I’m needed, and I need to know I’m on his mind.  I want someone who is proud to not only make me his girl, but who is proud enough to also shout it to the world.  I need to feel special ~ because these are the things that I would (without a doubt) do for someone too.  Now, I do realize that this was only a second date.  This was a second date with a man who I am friends with though.. a man who I know is busy, and probably thinks that since I know all about his busy life, probably just expects that I’ll understand his absence of a call.  That being said, this friend should also know me.  He knows how broken my heart got in my last relationship.  He’s told me that “I’m too good not to be with.”  I spent my last relationship in pushover mode though…

When Babe didn’t like how short my bed was, I changed my bed so he wouldn’t leave.  When he didn’t like the lack of space for his things, I rearranged mine so his would fit.  When he stayed night after night for months, didn’t help me with rent, and didn’t want to say we were in a relationship, I rationalized that he paid for all of our entertainment and food, and wasn’t that enough?  I had to basically force him to admit I was his girlfriend…  and even then it took him eight months to change his relationship status from single!  I shouldn’t have had to question his feelings for me if he was sharing my bed.  I should have sent him home to think about what he really wanted from me.  I’m not proud of my lack of self-worth back then...  I don’t ever want to have these questions or pushover ways in any potential relationship I might enter into again!  With Babe, I always called him for fear he wouldn’t call me ~ because deep down my soul probably knew that he wasn’t into it as much as I was, but my heart and head didn’t want to admit it.

The truth is now I’m trying to listen to my intuition and heed its advice.  My intuition tells me that if a man wants to call, he will.  Nobody can possibly be so busy that they don’t have even just a minute to call and say, “Hey!  I can’t talk long, but I wanted you to know I am thinking of you.”  That’s not a difficult thing to do, and if it is, do I really want someone like that?  If he want’s to see me, he will make it happen.  If he truly cares about me, there will be no questions.  So today, I am moving on.. Life is too short to spend it worrying about if my phone is going to ring.  I’m not saying that if that phone finally rings I won’t give him a chance, but I am not going to let the lack of a call monopolize my time anymore.  I have many other things going on in my life!  Sooner or later, I will find “the one” that will call just to hear my voice.  He’ll make sure I know he wants to see me soon, because he doesn’t want anyone else to snag my time.

My vow to myself to stay single for a while…  it was nice while it lasted, but this was my first real kiss since Babe, complete with fluttering butterflies!  This friend is someone I have a lot in common with, and we can talk without that awkward lull in conversation.  I’ve been kissed at the end of other dates, but this was the first one that meant anything to me.  It was nice to have that “alive” feeling again.  It awakened that part of me that longs for someone special to share my life with.  So rather than swearing off dating, maybe I’ll just keep my eyes open now, tread carefully, and enjoy these fleeting moments of life ~ One of these days “the one” will come along.  I’ll know it, because he will make sure I know.

September 7, 2011 Posted by | alone, friendship, happiness, relationships, self help | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Juicing keeps me busy!

So much for posting everyday!!

Let me start by saying I absolutely LOVE my juicer!  It is time-consuming and messy though.  The other problem I have is that it really is not possible (unless I want to be a hermit) to ONLY juice.  Heck, I can’t even find the time to add a blog post each day!  I’ve been making some awesome juice though, and before my date on Saturday night I used the pulp from a veggie juice to make veggie patties.  I threw in all sorts of veggies ranging from cucumbers to kale and zucchini.  Then I took the pulp, added some garlic, lemon and garbanzo beans, and tossed it all into a blender.  I formed patties, and fried them in walnut oil.  SO good!!  However, I need to find a way to hold them together, because it sort of became a mash.  I’m not one for presentation if the flavor is there, so it didn’t matter much to me.

The date went well as far as I can tell!!  Woohoo for new guy!  We’ll see where it goes.  I’ve been on dates here and there since Babe, but nothing has clicked for me until now.  I’m sensing lots of potential, but I won’t lie ~ I really am afraid of getting hurt again.  They say slow and steady wins the race, and I do think that’s really a good rule ~ but how do you handle just waiting for him to call again?!

You make homemade soup.. and you keep very busy cleaning up the mess after!  Hopefully by staying busy and such, I can avoid having to clean up the mess of another broken heart.  The soup I made tonight consisted of cilantro, broccoli, zucchini, spinach, half of a lemon, a carrot, and a green bell pepper.  I juiced all of the ingredients and added half of the pulp back into the juice.  I simmered it on the stove for about 15 minutes with garlic, half a can of black beans, a cup of vegetable broth, and spices (salt, pepper, oregano, thyme).  Then I spent about a half hour cleaning up which led to more organizing…

Perhaps by losing myself in things I enjoy, like cooking and yoga, I can avoid losing myself in thoughts of hope that things will work out with the new guy.  I’ve gotten a few texts, but WHY hasn’t he picked up the phone to call!!!???  🙂  Well, no matter what happens, guy or no guy, I’m on a road to better health, and that is really what’s important right now.  If I’m not healthy, I can’t be any good to anyone anyway!

September 6, 2011 Posted by | healing, relationships | 1 Comment

Health and Juice

I’m going to be very open and frank about my health here. About two months ago I had to make a visit to the emergency room. I had a severe kidney infection! Exciting stuff… not. Even farther back than that though, I have been experiencing menstrual problems. It’s very regular, but the PMS I get could classify me as crazy at times, and any symptom you can think of related to PMS, I somehow get to the extreme, and for two full weeks prior to the start of the period.  So yes, that means I have ONE good week per month.   Apparently there may be a valid reason for these symptoms. See, when I was in the ER they did a CT scan of my entire abdomen. Not only did I have a kidney infection, but they also noticed that my uterus is enlarged and there are “spots” on my liver. Great news for an “I thought I was healthy 36-year-old vegetarian!” Yes, sarcasm again. Yesterday I suffered from a nasty migraine, and instead of sleeping, I rolled around with severe menstrual cramps.

Browsing through Netflix I found a documentary called “Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.” Now I am not fat. I am in a sense, sick… However, I am not ready for anymore ER visits, let alone death. So I watched it. I very highly recommend that everyone watch this documentary! It inspired me to go out today to buy a juicer.. and then to visit a farmers market to get all sorts of fruits and veggies. While I am not ready to do a 10 day fast just yet, I did make my first green juice, and it was delicious. I used a cucumber, and apple, a small bunch of cilantro, and two handfuls of spinach. This yielded about 20 oz of juice. I have dinner plans tomorrow evening, and a date on Saturday night.. So at least two of my meals will still be meals. I do plan on giving this a whirl though as soon as possible! The idea is to only drink fresh juice and water for 10 days to “reboot” your system. Then when you add solid food back in you are to limit your foods to those containing micronutrients. Basically, a true vegan diet consisting of fruits, vegetables, beans and whole grains. I don’t know how extreme I will get with this, but I will try to blog about it daily to update my progress and hold myself accountable!

Today I am in pain, I’m sort of tired because of my sleepless night, and my skin has a few break outs and for some reason I have bruises on my arms and legs. I won’t know the effects on my menstrual cycle for at least a month or two, but I hope to report great changes!  Wish me luck.

September 1, 2011 Posted by | happiness, healing, self help | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Love Me!

I had a defining moment today!

I was out with my daughters and ran into an old friend who was out with his kids too.  He invited us to join them for dinner, so we accepted.  This man is a friend that has given me the impression he is interested in me in the recent past….  So we were at dinner, and he asked me (this question comes up every time he sees me) why I am a vegetarian.  Rather than humor him and reply yet again, I simply said, “I’ve answered that question every time I’ve seen you, so you should already know.”  I said it with a smile, and he knew I was just playing like he was.  He did continue to playfully pick on (and by pick on, I mean sort of like, badger!) my eating habits all through dinner though.  Now, I realize that back in elementary school days that is how boys let girls know they liked them.  However, I’m now at a point in life where I don’t want to defend who I am!  I’m a vegetarian.  I’m proud of that!  I’m a writer, I’m into my health, I adore my daughters, I talk to ALL animals and believe deep down that they understand me, I hope to get into photography soon, I’m still learning that guitar, and there are many other quirky things about me that might give others ammunition to poke fun at me.  I can laugh almost anything off, I see the good in people WAY before I see the bad, and I view the world with a glass half full mentality.  I could never date this man no matter how interested he is in me…  because I am not going to change or defend who I am.

Driving away from dinner listening to the radio was when this pivotal moment hit me.  I love who I am!  To be able to walk away from a situation and feel love for myself, and pride…  It’s a good day!

July 31, 2011 Posted by | happiness, healing, love, relationships, self help | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Am the Spider

There was a spider hanging out in my shower today… Being that I don’t kill spiders, I left her there, but I worried for her. The water kept spraying in her direction, but she seemed hellbent to remain despite getting occasionally soaked, and at times losing her footing.  After a bit, she did move to a somewhat drier spot, but she never left the shower. My first instinct was to save her before anything bad could happen. I realized though, as I really studied her, that she was standing strong.  She really seemed to know what she was doing. She was choosing to stay, despite the potential danger of getting hurt beyond repair. I, as the onlooker, have no idea why this particular spot was so very important to the spider… It wasn’t my place to know. However, I was certainly there to save her from danger should the need arise.

If this situation were compared to my life, I am the spider, and my friends are the onlookers. I am holding strong to my belief that I can have this friendship with Babe, and just see where life goes. My friends don’t understand it, and they don’t need to. Just as that spider has her journey to travel, so I have mine. Though my friends want to save me by offering advice, sometimes I just need to cling to my own ideas. I could get hurt.. Sure. I could also live happily ever after. It’s nice to know I have onlookers that care, and are there just in case.

July 21, 2011 Posted by | alone, happiness, healing, love, relationships, self help | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Wouldn’t Want it Any Other Way


 

I had a rough day yesterday.. A day filled with love and compassion offset by hurt and anger.  At times I feel completely crazy for being able to experience such a profound range of emotion in a matter of hours.  This is who I am though.  I’m human.  At times that makes me fragile, and other times I’m strong.  There are times when I can handle certain situations with a breeze, and other times those same situations can break me.  No matter what though, I am proud to say that every situation makes me more resiliant, and ultimately closer to being able to embrace who I am.

I’m a bitch:  Who isn’t?  Male or female, if we stand on our own for what we believe in, someone in this world will call us a bitch.  I won’t apologize for being either strong OR fragile.

I’m a lover:  I believe in love.. unbridled, passionate, FIERCE love.  I know what I want, and I won’t stop until I find it.  Somewhere out there is a soul just like mine that will accept me for ME, not fear me, and will love me just as much as I love them.  Until then, every relationship I venture into or out of will be a step towards my divine feminine right to find that one person who “gets” me.  The search will no longer stop me from enjoying every step along the way.

I’m a child:  I get scared.  I get stuck.  I get selfish.  I get needy.  That’s right ~ I need people in my life to turn to.  This doesn’t make me weak, it makes me courageous.  It takes a lot of strength to be able to ask for help.. to set aside pride and admit and accept that you are just a tiny speck in this web of life.  We were all placed here for some purpose.  What is that purpose?  I don’t know, but I think it may have something to do with being there for one another.

I’m a mother:  This is both literal and figurative…  I am indeed a mother.  I am learning to embrace all that goes with it from the physical to the ethereal.  I have stretch marks on my belly that housed two beautiful babies.  I once (and sometimes still do) loathed this belly, but it is a mark of two of my greatest accomplishments in life.  That alone makes me love every mark as if it were a map to life.  It shows the world that we are more than just ourselves on this journey, and sometimes we have to put the needs of others before our own.

The day yesterday.. the tears.. Normally a long walk helps, but last night it didn’t help at all.  I found that with every step I took there were more and more tears.  There wasn’t anything anyone could say.. It was a moment that I needed to be alone, cry through the pain, and reach an acceptance that I will never find happiness outside of myself.  This has to start with embracing the good, the bad, the beauty and the ugly of me.  I made a pact with myself last night to set boundaries, stop chasing, and only participate in things that serve my ultimate goal of being happy with myself.  Only then can I let the love of another truly in.

“I’ve been numb, I’m revived ~ Can’t say I’m not alive ~ You know I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

Thank you Meridith Brooks!

 

 

 

July 18, 2011 Posted by | alone, happiness, healing, love, relationships, self help | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

The Light Within

I don’t know why it happens sometimes. We plug along life, we’re generally happy, but it might seem like something is missing. What? What’s missing? For me, I realized, it was the light in my eyes. Eyes are the window to the soul, and my light had gone out for a long time. I created this photo of me as a reminder that I need to keep the light within myself shining brightly, and I need to project my inner glow to the world. I have so much happiness and love to share, and isn’t that what life is about? It’s about connection. It’s about believing in yourself. It’s the dare to dream with passion, and to FOLLOW that dream. I don’t have the answers as to HOW it will all come together, but I have a dream, and I found my light. I am a beautiful and confident soul, and I want to project my newfound delight to the world around me. I hope everyone in my life finds their own light within. It’s an amazing feeling!

July 5, 2011 Posted by | happiness, love, self help | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

%d bloggers like this: